It is odd to feel lonely in the midst of a crowd, but it happens to many people. There have been points in my life when I have experienced this. This feeling of loneliness can happen to pastors. There is a saying that goes something like, It gets more lonely the higher you go. Pastors are thrust into the public sphere on a weekly and sometimes daily basis. Some of this depends on the size of the congregation. All of my churches have been less than 100, so I cannot really identify with large churches. But it seems that pastors have a difficult time finding people who understand their struggles, questions, and temptations. I have experienced different reasons and results of loneliness within the ministry. I’ll highlight a few that come to my mind.
Few people understand the stress of needing to be a positive force. People expect pastors always to be happy, optimistic, smiling, and put on a happy face. But we live in the same world as everyone else and we have many of the same life challenges. Pastors are people who also wake up some days with a bad mood, short fuse, and or with a bad night’s sleep. Pastors can and are cranky at times–at least I am. Does having peace with God mean we have to have always be on top of the world with happiness? Pastors or lay people may think that not feeling happy is a sign of spiritual problems, which is not always the case.
Pastors have few people if anyone to complain and express their frustrations. There are many reasons pastor could complain if given the opportunity. One thing that has frustrated me over the years is a lack of vision among the people. The common understanding is that lay people can complain about the pastor, but pastors sure ought not to complain about the lay people (although they do sometimes at pastors’ meeting!). Pastors often have no outlet to express their doubts, frustrations, and fears. So, as a result, they harbor these within themselves. These can become like a virus that eats away at their spiritual health. Finding someone who is honest, caring, and non-judgmental to whom to express these thoughts can be helpful. I was taught in school not to bring our ministry burdens home. This type of thinking isolates a pastor from his or her spouse and creates even more loneliness. Pastors may end up with no one around to express their concerns or frustrations!
Pastors often think upon deep, theological ideas. It is difficult to find others with whom we can dialogue about difficult and even controversial ideas or to probe the depths of certain tenants of the faith. Attending theological conferences can be very enriching because of the dialogue that takes place. One of the best experiences for pastors at such conferences are the round table discussions or meal times. Some pastors have found going back to school after a few years in ministry can also be a blessing. Pastors can get frustrated with the Sunday school answers and cliches we often hear in “Sunday school” (surprising!). We long for deep talk that matters. There are some lay people more advanced in their thinking that are ready for the “meat” of heavy theological lifting, but it does not take long to lose even the best of them when dealing with the wisdom of the ages.
Distance from other pastors with like minds or from similar traditions can be a challenge. At one of my churches, the closest Nazarene church was 100 miles. I rarely saw other pastors from my district. Thankfully, I enjoyed the fellowship of other pastors within my community. I am a fairly ecumenical person, so I can fellowship with clergy from many different denominations and traditions. Rural pastors may have distance while urban pastors have time demands. Districts can create more intentional opportunities for fellowship. Pastors may also need to make this a priority for personal growth. One thing I have often wished I had was a mentor, someone who invested in me as a pastor and guided me. I did not see much if any of this from district leadership or retired ministers. Perhaps it was not part of the thinking years ago. If we find ourselves in the place of influence, leadership, or with opportunity, we can seek out younger pastors who would like and need a mentor. I’ll have to write another whole post on mentoring.
Lastly, I should not forget how our own choices as pastors can make us isolated from other people. We have to work intentionally to make connection with people. The highest priority must be our spouse, if we are married. What a gift from God! This relationship must be the most important for any pastor to nurture. We can intentionally and unintentionally creates walls between ourselves and other people. One of our biggest jobs as pastors is to be bridge builders between people by developing deep and meaningful fellowship among believers. This strength can propel the church into mission. And finally, if we harbor secret sins, these will begin to affect our relationships. By definition, sin isolates us and distances us from God and others.
As shepherds of God’s people, we must look carefully at the causes of our loneliness and isolation. Some of the reasons we will not be able to help, such as physical distance from other pastors. Some reasons will be due to ministry. When we carry the burdens of others, like Jesus did on the cross, we will feel alone. Jesus can be our friend when no one else seems to understand–or even care. Some reasons for loneliness will be of our own making. In those cases, seeking God’s forgiveness, cleansing, and in-filling can bring a sense of purpose and peace to heal the loneliness of sin.
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