Working with Difficult People

Everyone who has ever been a pastor knows the reality of dealing with difficult people in the church. Every church I have pastored has had some people who were difficult to work with. The result of difficult people can be stress which can lead to fatigue, sickness, or resignation.

What makes people difficult to pastor? Sometimes the reasons are innocent, on purpose, or people are just ornery and unpleasant. Here are a couple of ideas about the causes for difficult people:

• One reason people are difficult is because they have different opinions from the pastor. Their ideas may be valid but they will not humble themselves to the leadership of the pastor. They will fight for their way, even when it causes harm to other people.
• People who are selfish and prideful can be challenging to work with. They have allowed their opinions to feed their view of themselves. Often, this is an indicator of spiritual immaturity or even sin that has not be dealt with.
• Every church has power struggles. A wise pastor will find out who holds the power in the church and nurture a positive relationship between him or her. Power struggles are often caused by people who have been in leadership a long time and determined, often with good motives, that certain things work best in certain ways. Other times, power struggles may be due to pride or a desire to maintain control. Power struggles may also result from the idea that these people have invested their lives, time, and finances in the church. No pastor is going to come in and shake things up.
• Tradition and immobility can cause stress in pastoral relationships. This is related to power struggles. People become comfortable with the way things have been done. There is safety in tradition. New ideas and new ways of doing things (such as music or worship style) can cause discomfort, struggle, and even come to the point of animosity towards the pastor. Pastors will be wise in how they attempt to change any traditions in a church.
• Lack of vision from the church can create a lot of frustration for a pastor. The pastor wants to see change but people are too comfortable in tradition. It becomes like trying to pull a car with a rubber band. Things get tight and stretched as the pastor pulls the church to a new location. Things may even come to the point of breaking.
• Personality or mental handicaps can be a more invisible challenge for pastors. There will inevitably be personality differences between the pastor and people in the church. God created us all differently. These differences can be used to strengthen the church or allowed to pull it apart. There may be people in the church who have psychological or mental handicaps that cause outbursts, anger, or odd behavior or they just simply cannot process a pastor’s leadership. Extra grace is required in those situations.
• Ignorance can be a problem. People simply are not aware of new ideas or have the skill to deal with different people. Sometimes this ignorance may be due to people’s choices and other times it may be due to their circumstances in life, such as the lack of a good education or limited exposure to new things.
• Cultural differences can create tension in the church for pastors, especially if the pastor is new to the area or serves in a multicultural context. Some behavior may be misinterpreted as antagonistic when it is quite normal in some cultures.
• Functioning like the world can create problems. Sometimes even pastors act like unbelievers because their models for behavior come from the world and not Jesus.

Since every church has people like this, how can we be a pastor to them?

• Cultivate God’s love within us. We must learn to be channels of God’s love by allowing God’s love first to fill us by crucifying ourselves and our agendas and allowing the Holy Spirit to transform our hearts to be like Christ.
• Follow the example of Jesus and love unconditionally. Do not pick favorites in the church. James and John wanted to be first but Jesus said that the last will be first. Jesus loved even Judas who was at the Last Supper.
• Let humility be the fuel for everything that is done in the church. A humble heart will crumble conflicts and heal relationships.
• Being flexible is related to humility. We have to realize that the ideas of others have validity. We do not have full comprehension of any situation. We must be willing to learn new things from others, even when this may be uncomfortable to us.
• Model vulnerability. Show the people in the church that pastors are human too. Be willing and quick to apologize. Apologies do not cost anything.
• Preach the gospel so that people will grow into maturity. Everyone in the church can grow more mature.
• Realize that spiritual maturity is in tension with personal maturity, including such areas as relationships, personality, self awareness, mental ability.
• Fill up the bank account first before spending any money. Do not be quick to make changes until the people trust you and know you have their best in mind.
• Keep the most important as the most important. There are a lot of things a pastor may want to do or change, but they are quite minor in the overall scheme of God’s kingdom. A pastor must decide what is most important for bringing about God’s purposes through the church and realize that a lot of things really are not that important (such as the color of the carpet!).
• Do careful confrontation with a servant heart. Don’t be the cause of difficult relationships but the healer. Love is most important, not personal agendas, new visions, or any program of the church.

For more pastoral reflections, click here.